Weak moments....

I really feel so sorry for whoever stumbles across this blog of mine... Im so pathetic right now. So back & fourth. But I assure you I am ok, mo medication required. I will bounce back. Women in my family are strong. Mama did not raise weak women. So with that being said here is todays wine fest..... lol!! I have to admit that here lately I have had many many weak moments. I know I am doing the right thing, but I keep having a flood of good memories and I catch myself crying and thinking that maybe it was not all that bad. But just as soon as that goes thru my head I tell myself that the bad out weighed the good. And I also say to myself that he will treat the next poor lady bad too. I really feel sorry for her, idk, I wish I could just erase the good memories. That's all. Things would be much better. and easier for me to walk away. But I gotta do it regardless.... It will happen, me walking away. And no takesbacks. that's for sure. Like he tells me "im moving on with my life" geeze Louise how can you say that to somebody after 18 years? Really? But that just tells me that he really does have a lady friend. so what the hell ever dude. I will have my day to move on too. So until then, I will take some time to get myself back together in one piece and be ready. I will have a great life no matter what. Just spoke with alice and she seems to think the house will sell pretty quick, like within weeks. Me starting to hyperventilate now... I need to start going thru the house packing up stuff. Now I gotta just stop for a second and picture my new place and how peaceful it will be... With birds chirping and windchimes in the wind.... And sparkly pillows on the couch.... ahhh much better. lol!! I got this. Now, I need to go and find some dang boxes and get this started. Wish me luck, I have a job interview today. Please dear God help me say the right things and interview well today. I wish I knew how to sell myself better. Mental note... That's what I need to work on. These past 2 days have made me feel like im loosing my marbles. Why am I missing him? Why am I missing the ugliness? Why? After all of the ugliness that we have done to each other after all of the put downs and the making me feel less than worthy because I did not bring in enough income to help him enough? What do I do with these feelings? Oh please help me. I feel like I want to curl up in a hotel room and hide from everybody for a week and go thru this mess. Is this a mental break down? Im kinda thinking its a stage, maybe a depression stage, the sad stage. I don't like it, I don't like it one bit. I want to erase it all from my memory. I want to be able to cry in peace, I want to be able to scream and throw things and I just want to sleep..... I want to sleep and wake up and it will have passed and I could move forward again. Could I please just get past all of this? I want to be happy again.