Same old behavior

Why do I expect things will change? Why? I guess I am a stupid hopeful, lol, that makes me laugh. I am a stupid hopeful because I kept hoping after 18 years of marriage that things would get better. I kept hanging on year after yerar.... Sigh, I don't know, just a little slow I guess. But anyways, I get home from work and picking up Ana from the barn, it was running day so we were a little later than usual John just got back from his Arlington trip at work (he stayed in a hotel in Arlington for work) he got home early had plenty of time to unpack and get settled in. And I walk in the door and where is he? Laying on the couch... on his phone, Any dinner started? Nope, Anything done? Nope, but he is all nice and comfy on the couch. I immediately was pissed because I am hungry its now after 6, I had hoped that he would have put some meat in the oven, not asking for him to make the entire meal, I can make the sides like we usually do. Not asking too much. Well at lease I do not think that is too much to ask for. So I asked him did you guys already eat dinner and he replies no, and I did not say anything just kept walking to my room. Came back out went to the kitchen to see what I could fix that was fast. Then immediately changed my mind and thought to myself if he is not worried about feeding Tristan then I am not either. Adriana was going to meet her friends at Chilli's so she was not going to need anything to eat. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and went to my room to read my book. Am I asking for too much? Why do I let it bother me this much? Because he does not seem to care one bit. I need to quit putting pressure on myself because I feel that the kids need a decent meal to eat. I later asked Tristan what he had for dinner and he said one of his frozen dinners. I did not say anything. John is just asking for a seizure, all of that processed food is not good for him and John knows this. He was the one that was gung ho on clean eating for Tristan's sake. Sigh. Am I a control freak? I hope not, I don't want to be that person. Hopefully when we are in our separate places I wont get so upset because I will not see it all. Me sitting in a yoga position taking deep breaths..... But I did get in a couple of chapters in my book, It gives me hope. So the previous night we had some issues with Tristan's school grades, we got a email after school hours that he was failing a class and could possibly be held back. John did not know anything about it and neither did I, when he told me that Tristan was his reasonability I kind of quit opening his weekly grades emails from the school. And John asks me about It and I told him that I quit opening the emails because of the split. He immediately got mad and started in with i'm not babysitting him, he is too old for that and so on.. Which I understand to an extent, you know your child and you also know that you will have to kind of check on him and make sure he is taking care of things that need to be taken care of... But long story short Tristan figured out why the assignment was not done and I called john to explain it to him so he knew the story before Tristan talked to him about it. I'm trying to be nice. We had a decent conversation and he understood the story now. He then asked about putting up the house for sale and I told him that Alice said the house needed to be practically cleaned out noting on counters etc.... I then told him that I will need help packing things up because I do not have as much time to do that. He then reminded me that we are doing thru a divorce and said some ugly things and hung up as he was still mouthing.... I sent a text telling him that we can go back to the "we are in a divorce attitude" which i'm meaning we will not be nice anymore.... Just back to being cold I guess. Again, I don't think that is too much to ask for but I guess it is. He said the majority of the stuff is mine. He said he will pack up what is his. And he can not pick up anything that is heavy... Which makes me laugh because he is trying to build his muscle back up. What a joke. As usual, I am the one that has to do the heavy lifting and he will probably be on the couch agin... Anyway, yesterday I get a text from john telling me what info he got from the councilor, I already knew because Tristan had already told me about it but I just told him thanks and went on. and he then sends a text apologizing about last night, and telling me that he was frustrated and it just made me cry. Why now, why does he now apologize sincerely for things he is saying and for what he is doing? I would rather he did not. Because now I see a nice side of him, the side I begged for all of those years. Why now is he trying to change? That makes me very angry. Is that wrong for me to get mad? I should be glad that he finally sees what he is doing wrong and how that kind of talk is not acceptable. But it does not help me any at all now. In my head it just means now the next person is going to get the nice John, the John that now thinks about what he says before he kills you with his words. Because he literally has killed me with his words. His rip you to shreds words. It makes me very very sad. Why couldn't have he done this before? I found myself crying at work. It was a different kind of tear. the tears began to roll out, and I couldn't stop them. I ended up in the restroom to get myself back together.