The heart still breaks

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself this is really happening, after 18 years I am in the middle of a divorce at the age of 43. In my bed trying to keep it together because he’s now taking testosterone pills getting ready for his new lady friend. I don't understand after all of the crap he has put me thru, the name calling, the yelling in my face, the constant put downs why is the thought of him being with someone else hurting My heart so? I should say goodby & good reddens, wish her good luck because we all know a leopard will never loosed its spots, he can cover them up for only so long. I should give her all the ins & outs because I do know him like a book.... But instead I’m sitting here trying to hold back the flow of tears so nobody sees because I’m fine..... I have half of mind to go find me some body too but I know that it’s not going to fix anything. Two wrongs don’t make it right. Not a good example for ,u little queen. So I will keep my head up and my eyes forward. I gotta take time for myself and heal from this mess. I’m not who I used to be, not who I want to be. So what do I do now? Ignore it? Say something? Throw the damn bottle in the trash? Throw the stupid bottle at him, that's what I really want to do but I can't. Ugh, I just don’t understand me right now. Why is it hurting me? Is this normal? I know I’m done with this marriage theirs nothing left pretty much just co-parenting in the same house. I hate him. How dare him do this to me. If I did that to him he would have a cow and boy oh boy he would be calling me a slut, whore and so many more things. Why do I have to always take the high road? Why do I have to take it and just turn my cheek? I get tired of being a doormat. But in the same token, we are just about done with this damn divorce. So close at our new beginning. So I think tomorrow I will take my butt to the gym. yeah, I think that will be the best revenge. I gotta work on me. Nobody can fix me but me. So tomorrow I will start... Stay focused Lisa.