Same old behavior

Why do I expect things will change? Why? I guess I am a stupid hopeful, lol, that makes me laugh. I am a stupid hopeful because I kept hoping after 18 years of marriage that things would get better. I kept hanging on year after yerar.... Sigh, I don't know, just a little slow I guess. But anyways, I get home from work and picking up Ana from the barn, it was running day so we were a little later than usual John just got back from his Arlington trip at work (he stayed in a hotel in Arlington for work) he got home early had plenty of time to unpack and get settled in. And I walk in the door and where is he? Laying on the couch... on his phone, Any dinner started? Nope, Anything done? Nope, but he is all nice and comfy on the couch. I immediately was pissed because I am hungry its now after 6, I had hoped that he would have put some meat in the oven, not asking for him to make the entire meal, I can make the sides like we usually do. Not asking too much. Well at lease I do not think that is too much to ask for. So I asked him did you guys already eat dinner and he replies no, and I did not say anything just kept walking to my room. Came back out went to the kitchen to see what I could fix that was fast. Then immediately changed my mind and thought to myself if he is not worried about feeding Tristan then I am not either. Adriana was going to meet her friends at Chilli's so she was not going to need anything to eat. I fixed myself a bowl of cereal and went to my room to read my book. Am I asking for too much? Why do I let it bother me this much? Because he does not seem to care one bit. I need to quit putting pressure on myself because I feel that the kids need a decent meal to eat. I later asked Tristan what he had for dinner and he said one of his frozen dinners. I did not say anything. John is just asking for a seizure, all of that processed food is not good for him and John knows this. He was the one that was gung ho on clean eating for Tristan's sake. Sigh. Am I a control freak? I hope not, I don't want to be that person. Hopefully when we are in our separate places I wont get so upset because I will not see it all. Me sitting in a yoga position taking deep breaths..... But I did get in a couple of chapters in my book, It gives me hope. So the previous night we had some issues with Tristan's school grades, we got a email after school hours that he was failing a class and could possibly be held back. John did not know anything about it and neither did I, when he told me that Tristan was his reasonability I kind of quit opening his weekly grades emails from the school. And John asks me about It and I told him that I quit opening the emails because of the split. He immediately got mad and started in with i'm not babysitting him, he is too old for that and so on.. Which I understand to an extent, you know your child and you also know that you will have to kind of check on him and make sure he is taking care of things that need to be taken care of... But long story short Tristan figured out why the assignment was not done and I called john to explain it to him so he knew the story before Tristan talked to him about it. I'm trying to be nice. We had a decent conversation and he understood the story now. He then asked about putting up the house for sale and I told him that Alice said the house needed to be practically cleaned out noting on counters etc.... I then told him that I will need help packing things up because I do not have as much time to do that. He then reminded me that we are doing thru a divorce and said some ugly things and hung up as he was still mouthing.... I sent a text telling him that we can go back to the "we are in a divorce attitude" which i'm meaning we will not be nice anymore.... Just back to being cold I guess. Again, I don't think that is too much to ask for but I guess it is. He said the majority of the stuff is mine. He said he will pack up what is his. And he can not pick up anything that is heavy... Which makes me laugh because he is trying to build his muscle back up. What a joke. As usual, I am the one that has to do the heavy lifting and he will probably be on the couch agin... Anyway, yesterday I get a text from john telling me what info he got from the councilor, I already knew because Tristan had already told me about it but I just told him thanks and went on. and he then sends a text apologizing about last night, and telling me that he was frustrated and it just made me cry. Why now, why does he now apologize sincerely for things he is saying and for what he is doing? I would rather he did not. Because now I see a nice side of him, the side I begged for all of those years. Why now is he trying to change? That makes me very angry. Is that wrong for me to get mad? I should be glad that he finally sees what he is doing wrong and how that kind of talk is not acceptable. But it does not help me any at all now. In my head it just means now the next person is going to get the nice John, the John that now thinks about what he says before he kills you with his words. Because he literally has killed me with his words. His rip you to shreds words. It makes me very very sad. Why couldn't have he done this before? I found myself crying at work. It was a different kind of tear. the tears began to roll out, and I couldn't stop them. I ended up in the restroom to get myself back together.

Weak moments....

I really feel so sorry for whoever stumbles across this blog of mine... Im so pathetic right now. So back & fourth. But I assure you I am ok, mo medication required. I will bounce back. Women in my family are strong. Mama did not raise weak women. So with that being said here is todays wine fest..... lol!! I have to admit that here lately I have had many many weak moments. I know I am doing the right thing, but I keep having a flood of good memories and I catch myself crying and thinking that maybe it was not all that bad. But just as soon as that goes thru my head I tell myself that the bad out weighed the good. And I also say to myself that he will treat the next poor lady bad too. I really feel sorry for her, idk, I wish I could just erase the good memories. That's all. Things would be much better. and easier for me to walk away. But I gotta do it regardless.... It will happen, me walking away. And no takesbacks. that's for sure. Like he tells me "im moving on with my life" geeze Louise how can you say that to somebody after 18 years? Really? But that just tells me that he really does have a lady friend. so what the hell ever dude. I will have my day to move on too. So until then, I will take some time to get myself back together in one piece and be ready. I will have a great life no matter what. Just spoke with alice and she seems to think the house will sell pretty quick, like within weeks. Me starting to hyperventilate now... I need to start going thru the house packing up stuff. Now I gotta just stop for a second and picture my new place and how peaceful it will be... With birds chirping and windchimes in the wind.... And sparkly pillows on the couch.... ahhh much better. lol!! I got this. Now, I need to go and find some dang boxes and get this started. Wish me luck, I have a job interview today. Please dear God help me say the right things and interview well today. I wish I knew how to sell myself better. Mental note... That's what I need to work on. These past 2 days have made me feel like im loosing my marbles. Why am I missing him? Why am I missing the ugliness? Why? After all of the ugliness that we have done to each other after all of the put downs and the making me feel less than worthy because I did not bring in enough income to help him enough? What do I do with these feelings? Oh please help me. I feel like I want to curl up in a hotel room and hide from everybody for a week and go thru this mess. Is this a mental break down? Im kinda thinking its a stage, maybe a depression stage, the sad stage. I don't like it, I don't like it one bit. I want to erase it all from my memory. I want to be able to cry in peace, I want to be able to scream and throw things and I just want to sleep..... I want to sleep and wake up and it will have passed and I could move forward again. Could I please just get past all of this? I want to be happy again.

Whats next

So apparently right now im dealing with being addicted to the bad behavior. Im so used to the bad behavior, I have dealt with it for so long now that it is the "normal" and I am catching myself crying on and off constantly because I am so scared. This marriage is really over. So now what, I am alone. I mean, I guess I was really alone before too but now I am alone ALONE, single @ 43, nobody to lean on. That's scary. But I better toughen up because its all me now. Man, this is hard. I wish I could quit crying. I know it is a good thing, I know that he was not the one for me. We were not a good match but im used to the bad relationship. I need to NOT be okay with the relationship because I know I will have a great relationship. God wants us to be happy and with our perfect person. So I will not waste anymore time in this pity party that I see myself fall into quite often here lately. Dust myself off and lift my head back up high and move forward. After all I do have a mini-queen in training. She needs to have a good role model. So now what? Good vibes, good thoughts.... ummmmm, im thinking exercise... I need to loose 20lbs and find a flipping job so I can get us into a place. I found that cute little rental in palmer that Anita was talking about and I like the idea of it and all but im a little worried about the drive for ana banana. But in the same token, it will be ok, she will have a car and she can get up early enough to get to school in time. Its life sometimes. Not always easy. But its a cute little starter place to get us back on our feet in the country, big enough for us comfortably. I like it. We will see if it was meant to be. Time will tell.

today's pitty party

Is it wrong to with you never met a person? He is giving me such grief right now going thru this divorce, things that I begged him to do WITH us as a family and he never took part of it and now all of a sudden he is willing to do these things. I begged him to go to the gym with me and the kids, something we can do together as a family and he always said nope, I get enough exercise while i'm at work... I asked him to go to the doctor to check on his medicine dosage because he would be up all night and sleep all day, he would not get up off of the couch, I leave in the morning he's on the couch, I get home that afternoon/night he's STILL on the couch. That is not normal, it was hard on me, he never did any activates with us, it was always me & the kids doing stuff together. He would go with us sometimes here & there and when he did go with us we would always end up bickering because he was in a stinky mood and expected the kids to be perfect and not act up or do anything that he would think is wrong. I would always speak up in their defense and say something to him and that would cause a argument, never failed. Sex, he never wanted to... I would tell him that I felt disconnected from him as a wife because we never had any grown up time. I asked him to discuss it with his doctor, he would always say it was because of his medicine and that was it, nothing we could do about it end of subject. And now, he's taking testosterone supplements..... I am assuming he is preparing for his new lady friend. Did I mention he has a lady friend? He texts her constantly and hides his phone screen from us when we walk by, or turns it off and puts it down like he is not on the darn thing. It is so bad that even Ana said he is acting like a teenager hiding a secret. She actually seen the phone screen when he was texting her one time, she said is was definitely a lady that he was texting. She texted me from the restroom upset. I wish he could at least wait until the divorce is final and out of the house before he starts this crap. But then again he is just hurting his relationship with her at least. She is very disappointed with his behavior at this point. Can I just erase all of the good memories? Really theirs not too many but they are still good ones. When it was good it was good and when it was bad it was very bad. And yes the bad outweighs the good of course but i'm just having a moment I guess. Yes, this is really happening, yes, it will be over and I can move on with my life without him. But until then, i'm being tortured having to watch him do the things he would not do with us when I asked him to do it for the sake of our family. And now he will do it because he is on the brink of being single again..... sigh. I hope and pray that I don't have a stroke or heart attack going thru this mess. I want to be able to enjoy my peaceful home and family and just live a content happy life. No tension in the home. No I stay on this side of the house and you will be on the other side trying to avoid each other as best as we can. Really honestly i'm scared that it is almost over, it is actually embarrassing that I can admit that but it is true you get used to the dysfunction and the ugly behavior is a "normal" thing it has been going on for the past 10+ years and I freak out a little bit because he really will be gone, yes he makes my life unbearable and stressed but he has always been on the couch..... One day he will not be on the couch and I think I am a little scared for that day. Its not right but it is how I feel right now. I gotta remind myself that I don't have to live like that anymore. It is not normal. I deserve better, the kids deserve better. I think later down the line we will be ok co-parenting together but that will be years down the line. Not anytime soon. I think I will get a dog to sit on the couch to make me feel better.

The heart still breaks

Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself this is really happening, after 18 years I am in the middle of a divorce at the age of 43. In my bed trying to keep it together because he’s now taking testosterone pills getting ready for his new lady friend. I don't understand after all of the crap he has put me thru, the name calling, the yelling in my face, the constant put downs why is the thought of him being with someone else hurting My heart so? I should say goodby & good reddens, wish her good luck because we all know a leopard will never loosed its spots, he can cover them up for only so long. I should give her all the ins & outs because I do know him like a book.... But instead I’m sitting here trying to hold back the flow of tears so nobody sees because I’m fine..... I have half of mind to go find me some body too but I know that it’s not going to fix anything. Two wrongs don’t make it right. Not a good example for ,u little queen. So I will keep my head up and my eyes forward. I gotta take time for myself and heal from this mess. I’m not who I used to be, not who I want to be. So what do I do now? Ignore it? Say something? Throw the damn bottle in the trash? Throw the stupid bottle at him, that's what I really want to do but I can't. Ugh, I just don’t understand me right now. Why is it hurting me? Is this normal? I know I’m done with this marriage theirs nothing left pretty much just co-parenting in the same house. I hate him. How dare him do this to me. If I did that to him he would have a cow and boy oh boy he would be calling me a slut, whore and so many more things. Why do I have to always take the high road? Why do I have to take it and just turn my cheek? I get tired of being a doormat. But in the same token, we are just about done with this damn divorce. So close at our new beginning. So I think tomorrow I will take my butt to the gym. yeah, I think that will be the best revenge. I gotta work on me. Nobody can fix me but me. So tomorrow I will start... Stay focused Lisa.